My first therapy session was in middle school. I was attached at the hip to my two best friends since preschool; Becca and Lindsey - and Becca was moving away. She was moving an hour and a half from our hometown - which in middle school - felt like she moving to the other side of the world. Our parents thought it would be a good idea to do group therapy to help with the transition of her moving. Maybe it did help - maybe it didn't - all I remember is making vision boards with my two best friends(I still have it hanging in my childhood bedroom to this day) - but it did introduce me to the tool of therapy.
Almost two decades later I was an adult working in my dream job as a news anchor and reporter in a big city - but completely burned out. I was exhausted in my career and my personal life. I had drained my family and friends with my complaints, and I had tough stuff I wasn't ready to share with the people I loved - so I turned to therapy. My first two therapists were not the right fit - you really do need to find someone you connect with or it's just not going to work. I say that because if you start therapy and think "this isn't for me" - it may actually be the right person isn't sitting across from you yet.
I finally found a therapist I felt comfortable sitting across from - her office was small and on the top floor of a former convent near downtown Nashville. Think tight hallways, squeaky wood floors and old wooden windows. It was a cozy office - lamp lighting, with a warm rug and of course a big couch.
My therapist was young, patient and most importantly I didn't feel like I was being judged. Despite that comfort, I found myself leaving out important information or sugarcoating situations - because I was embarrassed to share what I was really dealing with. I thought some things were too "small" to be stressed about or I would look "stupid" after explaining certain situations - now I know I was just scared to hear the truth. It's like when you go to the doctor - if you don't give them all of your symptoms or tell them how you were really injured - they can't make you better. The same is true for our mental health.
Once I was finally ready to put it all out there and do the work - I started sharing stories. I immediately felt myself getting lighter in many ways - I was literally running faster during my workouts(I have the Strava notes to prove it) - just getting so much off of my chest. The facts of events were easier to share; this is what happened, this is what I felt, here's how it's still impacting me. We talked through a lot and she helped me realize the bigger impact some events can have on other aspects of your life, and how to regulate some of those feelings.
I was dealing with a lot of anxiety and stress - and sometimes there were days when I couldn't pin down what was leading to those feelings - in my mind no big events had happened that day - I was just sad. My therapist talked to me about different ways to work through this - which is when I found something else to talk to - my journal.
Writing has been an outlet for me since I was a kid. I've always had a big imagination and I've loved to write stories - or journal about my life. When I was a child and I got mad at my sister - my mom would tell me to write down my feelings before I just yelled them at her. Most of the time I had already yelled some hurtful words - so the writing helped me apologize. It's always been a way for me to talk to myself about what's really going on and why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling.
Writing became my outlet again. When I found myself feeling completely overwhelmed or sad for what felt like no reason - I got out my journal and just started to write. I wrote to myself - about how I was feeling, where in my body I was feeling it, and what had happened that day or that week - eventually I would write my way into the thing that was really bringing the anxiety. Your body knows it, your mind knows it - you just have to find the ways to get it out. I found the most help talking to the paper and myself. It helped me be kinder to myself too.
Some of my best therapy comes from just a pen and paper. I don't have to do it every day. I don't even have to do it when all the emotions feel heightened - sometimes I just need to sleep on it and next morning let the words flow. My biggest advice; Don't lie to yourself. Write how you feel. Listen to yourself.
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